What About The Speech?
How to get laughs, tears, and thunderous applause
6 funny wedding readings to make everyone laugh out loud
Reading Time: 5 Minutes
What we’ll cover:
- Funny wedding readings
1. Yes, I’ll Marry You
2. A Word To Husbands
3. Einstein on love
4. Oh, the Places You’ll Go
5. Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?
6. Peanuts on love
- How many readings should there be?
We often think of weddings as pretty ‘traditional’, maybe even formal. And they can be. For people who like that – that’s great.
But what if you want to make things a little more light-hearted?
After all, a good laugh is often the best cure for nerves. It brings together people who’ve never met, it helps you relax, and it helps your family relax. So why not inject a little humour into your wedding?
One great way to have a bit of fun is in the wedding readings. If you’re not having a religious ceremony, you have a lot of flexibility with the readings. But even if you are, you can always give a reading before or (even better) just afterwards.
Hey, you could even include one of these funny readings in your wedding speech!
So without further ado, here are 6 funny wedding readings for your big day!
Yes, I’ll Marry You
Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is something of a ‘classic’ funny wedding reading, so no list would be complete without it. Let’s have a read:
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch, you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
A Word To Husbands
Ogden Nash was a 20th century poet known for writing funny lines – so if this one isn’t for you, go looking for others, he has over 500! Anyway, this little poem touches on a pretty common joke, but it gives it a little twist that keeps it fresh:
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
Einstein on Love
Albert Einstein was more than just a physicist – he was famously something of a philosopher. And if this quote is anything to go by, he was something of a romantic too – although it may not be exactly funny, it’s sure to bring a smile to every face.
“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
Oh, the Places You’ll Go
Dr Seuss is universally loved. Not to mention, pretty hilarious. Although you could probably quote from almost any of his books, Oh The Places You’ll Go is probably one of the most appropriate. This book was, appropriately perhaps, his last book, his ‘farewell salute, his last parade’, is addressed to a nameless pilgrim, and tells of all the ups and downs of life, from the ‘wide open air’ and the ‘high heights’ to the ‘hang-ups and bang-ups’ that are part and parcel of any journey – marriage included.
Although I can’t quote the whole book, here are a few examples that you can use (and I recommend reading the actual book for more ideas):
Congratulations!
Today is your day!
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!
Oh! The places you’ll go! ‘Things will start to happen’, as Seuss says, some of them good, some of them bad, and eventually ‘You’ll start happening too.’ As you walk the road to adulthood, Seuss comments,
You’ll look up and down streets, look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, ‘I don’t choose to go there.’
And finally:
If your name is Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Modecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!
Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?
Another classic Seuss book! The old man in the book lists some truly terrible experiences – from being stuck in endless traffic, having to walk a block to use the bathroom at night, or having to mow grass that grows back the moment it’s mowed – before reminding his young friend once again that, on the whole, he really is quite lucky.
Again, I can’t quote the whole book, but here are a few samples:
When you think things are bad,
When you feel sour and blue
[…]
Just tell yourself, Duckie,
You’re really quite lucky!
Some people are much more
[…]
Unlucky than you
And:
That’s why I say, “Duckie,
Don’t grumble! Don’t stew!
Some critters are much-much,
Oh ever so much-much,
So muchly much-much more unlucky than you!
Peanuts on love
There’s a Peanuts comic where Lucy is complaining to her younger brother Linus that she has nothing to be thankful for—she doesn’t get the breaks that others do, and things are always going wrong.
What, she asks, has she to be thankful for? To this Linus says, ‘Well, for one thing, you have a little brother who loves you...’ At this Lucy stares at him before tearfully embracing him, and Linus observes that every now and then he just happens to say the right thing.
The point that we can take from this unusually heart-warming comic is that making a room for your partner need not be done through grand gestures; normally, we do it through the small things, giving from what we have, making contributions of our time, offering our love.
How many readings should there be?
Having read my 6 recommendations for funny wedding readings, you might be wondering how many to have, and how long should they be.
Good questions – with short answers.
Traditionally weddings include two readings. Obviously you can add a third, but the golden rule of public speaking applies: keep it short.
Remember that the readings – whether you put them in the middle of the ceremony or after, or in your speech – are only a small part of the whole wedding. If they go on too long, they lose their power, people get bored, and the humour’s gone.
So let’s make a rule: the total reading time should not be any more than 7 minutes for all the readings together.
That’s my rule, anyway.
About the author: Alexander Westenberg, milestone speechwriter, is a teacher, a musician, and long-time speechwriter. Read more…
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