What About The Speech?

How to get laughs, tears, and thunderous applause

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What About The Speech?

How to get laughs, tears, and thunderous applause

HOW CAN I HELP?

What order should the wedding speeches be?

Reading Time: 5 Minutes

What we’ll cover:

• Traditional wedding speech order

• Modern wedding speech order

• Who speaks first?

• How do you organise a wedding speech?

• What’s the best time for the speeches?

Weddings these days can be pretty flexible. You can have them anywhere – even on TV – and almost any arrangement. But one thing almost everyone thinks is compulsory is the wedding speech…


Or should I say speechES. Because, of course, I’ve never seen a wedding with only one speech. But is there a right or wrong order of speeches?


Well, it depends. If you want to go all traditional, there is a traditional order of wedding toasts (as the wedding speech used to be called). We’ll talk more about that later, but the short answer is this:


The best order is the one that makes the most sense to you.


But before we look at how you might do this, let’s look at the traditional order of wedding speeches.


Traditional wedding speech order

Traditionally there was a very strict structure to wedding speeches. The advantage of using this is that everything’s already organised – the disadvantage is that it might not be the way you want it…


Anyway, here’s the traditional order of the wedding toasts:


1. The Loyal Toast

This is a very archaic tradition, almost never seen – the first toast was always to the queen (or the President, if you’re from the U.S.). These days almost nobody does it – but hey, if you want to be different, go for it!


If you do want it, it’s traditionally given by the MC before the first course.


2. Toast to the Bride and Groom

This is usually given by the father of the bride or a close family friend. It usually welcomes guests, gives a short speech, and then proposes a toast to the newlywed couple.


3. The Groom’s Speech

In response to this toast, the groom traditionally replies on behalf of the couple, doing the thank yous, and toasting the bridesmaids.


4. The Best Man’s Speech

The best man then traditionally replies on behalf of the bridal party (both the groomsmen and bridesmaids).


5. Toast to the parents of the bride

Usually done by a close family friend or relative.


6. Response by the Father of the Bride

Thanking people for the toast and wishing the couple a happy life.


7. Toast to the parents of the groom

Can be done at the same time as the previous speech, or can be by any close friend or member of the bridal party.


8. Response by parents of the groom.

Usually the father of the groom.


So that’s the traditional order. BUT…


As you’ve probably noticed, it’s pretty much exclusively men speaking.


Plus it’s a lot of speeches – probably too many for most! But you’ll find that the modern wedding speech order is often inspired (perhaps unconsciously) by the traditional one.

Modern wedding speech order

So what is the modern order?


Well, there’s no one accepted order. But as a general rule, it looks something like this:


  1. Father or mother of the Bride
  2. Father or mother of the Groom
  3. The Bride and Groom (either together or individually)
  4. The best man and maid of honour (again, the order is variable)

There’s some flexibility here, of course. But there is a simple rule to working out the best order for your own wedding.


Start at the end.


Decide what speech you want to finish on (you want to finish on a good note, right?), and usually what comes before it is easier to answer.


For lots of people, the bride and groom seem like the perfect finishing speeches, since they’re the focus of the wedding – but it’s up to you!


Of course, you don’t want to start on the wrong note either, so after the last speech, the second most important in the order is the first. Let’s look at that now.

Who speaks first?

If the wedding speeches begin with a really bad or boring speaker it can ruin them all.


Why?


Because people get restless, switch off, and start wishing for the end right at the start. So with a bad first speaker, nobody gets a fair audience.


There are three ways to solve this:

  1. Choose your second best speaker to go first (leave the best for last, remember!)
  2. Tell the first speaker they have a strict time limit or tell them what to say
  3. Have someone else write it for them


Personally, I’d always go with option 1.


But options 2 and 3 can work too – and they raise the question of how to organise everyone for the wedding speeches.

How do you organise a wedding speech?

When you’re organising the wedding speeches, you have to think of the guests first – they’re the ones who have to sit through them all! And, depending on when the speeches are given (more on that later), they could be aching for the next course, or the next song.


Taking that into account, a good hard and fast rule is the total speeches should not add up to more than 20 minutes maximum.


That’s a maximum – less is good.


It’s important to tell everyone who’s speaking well in advance – at least a month. This gives them time to prepare, to get over their nerves, and to practise. So don’t leave it too late!


Some people like to organise their speeches on a theme – if you’re doing that, make it clear early on.


But probably the most important decision after the list and the order of speakers, is when to have the speeches in the proceedings.

What’s the best time for the speeches?

The normal time is after the main meal or the dessert. The cutting of the cake (if you’re doing it) can be before or after the speeches, largely depending on when the newlyweds speak. So if they speak first, cut the cake beforehand – if they speak last, cut the cake after the speeches.


If you’re doing a first dance, definitely do all the speeches before that, because you want people to have fun dancing – and nobody wants to be interrupted to listen to speeches. That’s a sure way to kill the energy!


Another option I saw at a recent wedding was to split the speeches up between courses. So the first speech was given before dinner, then the rest were between the different courses.


This was a nice idea, and meant things didn’t get too boring – but it did interrupt conversations fairly frequently, so that’s something to think about too.

So what’s the best order for your wedding speeches? Start by deciding who you want to speak – maybe it’s just the bride and groom, or just the best man and maid of honour. Maybe you want to go traditional, or a mix – it’s up to you, but start there.


Then decide on the best speaker to finish on, and the second best to start with, and let the rest flow from there.


And don’t let anyone go overtime, or that’s all anyone will remember, not the words!


Now go get speaking!

About the author: Alexander Westenberg, milestone speechwriter, is a teacher, a musician, and long-time speechwriter. Read more…

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  • Why the wedding speech matters
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  • The time-tested 'Rule of One' that can make the difference between a speech that makes an impact... and a speech that doesn't
  • 4 steps to finishing your speech with the perfect wedding toast
  • ...and more!